The Unknown

2010-08-31T22:45:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 10.33pm
Mood: calm

i'm feeling better right now.
i feel i owe you an apology for holding you so tight the recent week when we start going downhill, especially sunday and yesterday.
maybe what i could say is that i'm just too fearful of losing you because i could sense that things were really different.
well, i admit i have a mad to play in causing us to be this way.

anyway, i don't know why i woke up and pack your things the first thing before preparing for work.
i cast them aside, out of my sight. don't wanna be reminded.
and i actually sort of decided that i don't wanna hang on.
and for no apparent reason, i feel a sense of relieve today.
maybe because i won't subconsciously be waiting for your call or text.
you know, waiting for your call or text is not wanting you to report, but just wanna know that i actually went your mind at that moment.

but anyway, i do clearly know that things will definitely remain after a month of cooling down.
so i actually texted my mum at work asking her if she could go down to the temple that we always pray at to seek a divine lot from Guan Yin because i wanna let go, but i don't know if it's gonna be a right choice.
and as expected, extremely true and spot on, it wasn't something good. it mentioned that i lost this needle in the sea. and even if i get the needle back, it would be futile as it would bring pain and trouble. so the interpretation was that i don't deserve what i don't deserve. what i ever heed to listen. i was told to listen well before i act.
so i guess i really did the right thing by deciding. i'm leaving things to take its course.
in fact i don't intend to ask for your answer and neither will i give mine on that day.
cause i really now after one month, still would be the same.
cause through the sms conversed that night, i could tell that you couldn't wait to get me off your back.
you kept saying starting from now. and i know, you are just patronizing me so you won't be bothered by me for this whole month. i just wanna say, you really broke my heart this way.
and in fact, i'm very sure you will realize you're better off without me.
cause you never needed me. you needed was your ex gf.

but really, at that moment, on that day went we bumped into each other day.
i really thought we were fated, really fated.
we were brought together by heaven.
and all these while, i have always thought we were meant to be.
but are we meant to be now? i guess not.
it was a illusion after all.

i feel better now. although i cried a little here and there.
but yesterday was really bad, seriously.

anyway, work is okay. not perfect. but, ya.
i guess it's a learning process. good, i think.
it feels very different to be working in office, really.
now i do understand how you feel.
trying hard to cope well. will need to go in earlier so i can get my work done in time.

i'm very tired already.
i can't imagine you having so many things to do.

please rest early.
night.

2010-08-31T07:18:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 6.58am
Mood: exhuasted.

yesterday was dreadful.
i slept for 3 hours, i tossed and turned, i couldn't sleep.
i was working, feeling drained emotionally and physically. i couldn't focus. it feel terrible, really.
so now, i finally got a taste of medicine.
i couldn't eat, all i did was drank water.
i'm not torturing myself, but i really have no appetite.
really wanna go into hiding. went school, but didn't attend class. neither do i give a damn about the project.

i didn't expect it come, or rather i don't want it to happen at all.
i guess i really did maxed you out, or we maxed each other out.
it was just within a time span of 2 weeks plus, and things would just change with a blink of an eye.
why did you changed after your shanghai trip?
i must admit that it's scary, it too fast, and i can't adapt.
perhaps, it was really accumulative.
we both are tired, what actually happened? reason being? neither of us knew.
it's really sad, when i was packing the things that belonged to us.
it's like walking down the memory lane, and watching things goes up and it crashing down the next moment.

it hurts very badly, to know that you won't be marrying me anymore.
i don't know why. because we can't get along anymore? or is it over your ex gf.
i feel a huge gap in between, and there are many obstacles in between the gaps.
my future looks very empty now.

i'm quite still shocked by the bomb you threw me.
i never knew about your ex gf existence.
you never told me.
your insecurities, dislikes were never made known to me either.
i swear i didn't knew some of them.
but honestly, there are so many things which i seriously feel that you were indeed picking a bone out of an egg.

i truly and sincerely apologize for not giving you space and pushing you.
i really don't wanna let you go, but i know love cannot be ordered.
it was my intention to keep you with me, but not to force you to stay with me.
i know this is more or less a gone case.
cause all these while, you never needed me.
or to put it straightforwardly, what you needed is your ex gf.
i don't know who were you happier with or who is better or what.
but you really have to know it's really very unfair to compare us, based on the basis we have dated each other.
we dated not really long, and you had and have to focus on your career.
we really did not spend time like a normal couple do.
you really have to recognize my effort that i've put in for us.

but whatever is it, i let you go not because i don't love you.
it's just that i know you're stressed out and i don't wanna further pressure you.
i hope you would be happier now.
it doesn't really matter whether you come back or not.
cause i really don't know how to continue this anymore.
like what i have said, it's flawed and i don't wanna be overshadowed by your ex gf.
it's really sad to realized that this is how vulnerable we are.

i'm not expecting you to regret, to come back to me or what.
i've decided that this one month its just a illusion, or rather a form of help to let me let you go easier and faster.
i know it's gone case. and you definitely won't be back.
i know what's going on. i'm not stupid.
i wont even ask you for the answer, cause i more or less know mine already.

i hope you take care of yourself.
especially your health. you have been falling sick too often.
love you for the last time.

2010-08-29T13:18:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 1.15pm
Mood: groggy

I was lying to the bed, pondering over what happened recently.
And it struck me that, I didn't change to be childish, sensitive and "bo liao" like what you accused me of.
Perhaps I did changed to a certain extend, but.
You know what, you were the one who changed.
You changed after you became less committed to me.
When you channel all your focus and energy to your work.
Cause you would react the same way / rather kick a fuss or bring it up in the past like what i did.

Well, if you knew how dramatic your changes are.

2010-08-28T22:10:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Xin Bu Liao Qing - Qiao Jing Teng
Time: 9.45pm
Mood: heartbroken

I think the last time i blogged was about Daniel.
I was at the crossroads, i felt very devastated.
I fell into the trap of forbidden love and i got my fingers badly burnt.
I never thought that i would be a third party.
never expect to fall in love with him, and to end myself up into such a major heartbreak.

In the midst of my despair and disappointment after the closure, i met him.
Someone whom i would least expect to date, to accept, to love, to marry.
It all happened.
He made me felt so right. He made me felt so loved. He gave me hope. He gave me bliss. He gave me a future.
I was the princess, he was the prince who took my breathe away.
But now, things are on the rough patch.
I don't know if we could make it through the night.
It's so scary and so beyond my control that i can't be sure things will be alright when i wake up the next day.

I wanna believe we ain't this vulnerable, but the fact that we are is killing me.
What happened to us? What happened to me? What happened to you?
I wanna be understanding but i can't withstand my own pain. The pain of being neglected and unloved.
I want you to dedicate slightly more bit of attention and time to me but you can't. If i demand, i'm unreasonable.
I'm at my wits end already. I swear, i'm so tired and so broken inside.
Trying to hide the pain from everyone, trying to run away every single day.
I'm trying to believe that our love and bond still exist and it's tying us together now.
I pray it will keep us going till things get better.

I'm miserable. In fact, i would consider miserable underrated.
i'm now facing fear, pain and insecurities constantly.
Never felt so distant from him. We are drifting apart.
I'm depressed. I'm not eating enough, not sleeping enough.
Unhealthy inside out.
I'm like walking zombie. Living for the sake for living.
I'm so disgusting with myself for looking sickly, for being unhappy, for being unable to control my emotions.

I'm very lost, I don't know what more can I do to keep us, to salvage whatever that went wrong.
Give me some light, show me the way to his heart, to him and to us.
Cause i'm very sure, he is what I want for life. I wanna build my future home with this man here.

I spent 21 years looking for him, and now i found him. I will never and don't wanna let him go.
I will hang on till the end.
I'm afraid of losing him because I know, such greatness will never ever fall upon on me again.

I promised never to forsake him. I will stay by his side thick and thin to give him the utmost support and love he needs.
I wanna and will honour my words.

If this is what we have to go through to get to our final destination together.
I'm more than willing to bear it all up.
Cause i know, no one deserves the effort and sacrifice more than he does.

I texted you " Missed you :) "
I hope at the end of the day, before you turn in, you would return me those words.
I just need things like this to keep me going.
It will be enough for me to disregard all the negativity away.
Stay with me, fight it out with me, please.

2010-05-19T07:40:00.002+08:00

Spinning: Live like we are dying - Kris Allen
Time: 7.40am
Mood: sick

like finally. i've fallen ill.
took half day MC from work and headed home to rest.
met Jac at night, he surprised me totally when he placed that bouquet of flowers on the car seat.
went keppel bay last night to chill. had a really fun and happy time with Jac.
Jac really moved me sometimes.

been meeting Jac for the past few days when B is not around.
B has been rather thoughtful, he would go online to talk to me a little or send me a text since day 1.
he's going to some outskirt in Taiwan to visit those plants today.
think he's gonna fly to shanghai soon and yuppie! soon back in Singapore.

waiting for monday to come. =)

2010-05-14T10:41:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 10.41am
Mood: joyful!

baby just called me!
he says he's gonna pick me up after school straight after he's back on the 24th! =D

2010-05-14T10:15:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 10.15am
Mood: moody

he's going taiwan and shanghai for a week or so for his business trip.
can't see him today because of his meeting.
well at least we met up for dinner last night. =)

wonder what's the road ahead of us is like.

still intending to move overseas after graduation.

2010-05-11T21:36:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 9.37pm
Mood: sian 1/2

cancelled.
doing mask and spending time doing my revision and project while waiting for him to be done. =)

2010-05-10T23:49:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 11.49pm
Mood: restless

i'm extremely tired today.
i don't know why. i slept 2 rounds today and it's still insufficient.

trying to clear up my workload and my school's revision and project.
they are pilling up and schedule is gonna get even more hectic towards the end of the month.
madness.

i'm quite unwilling to reply to those texts not because i don't wanna to. but rather i just feel that those wounds are better left untouched.
my 21st is coming. i don't quite know how to celebrate it.
and i'm seriously still keen of having you to go on a short vacation with me.
it's wrong and i'm reluctant about it.
i'm torn between rationality and my desires.

why all mankind have to be this contradicting all the whole fucking time?!

clev is such a bitch.

2010-05-10T09:11:00.002+08:00

Spinning: In my head - Jason Derulo
Time: 8.59am
Mood: still tired

no one can imagine how tired i was lately.
i was doing mask last night straight after my dinner.
laid on the bed because my back was killing me from all the walking from killer heels.
and i felt asleep with my bloody mask on. =.="

been extremely busy with work. handful of workloads for me to clear.
pretty use to it already. ain't that bad actually. still manageable.
but i'll still leave after my contract is up. i'm determine to be a baker!
HAHAHHAHAH.

had ex colleagues lunch gathering on monday.
celebrated JS birthday on friday with the usual big bunch. need to get her birthday present!
Jac was my partner for that night. i have to much to say about this guy. aiya.
chilling session with ben, KW and Clev for sat.
NBC ex colleagues short meet up yesterday.

this week is gonna be peaceful.need to rest as much as i can.
after which i will be burying my head into work and will have too many 21st celebrations to attend. I NEED A PARTNER. -.-' except for those crazy hours in school. i'll stay home to rest as much as possible. it's killing me.

YEAH. the pay for the event is IN!!!!
hahahha. I CAN GO GET MY LOMO CAMERA already. =D

jas and i are gonna sign up for kickboxing and dancing class!
thinking of doing exotic dance. heh heh.

2010-05-05T23:49:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.49pm

Mood: sleepy

had class today.

this module is really heavy and taxing.

wished i studied hard way back when i was doing my diploma.

turning in.

good night.

wondering if you still miss me, like how i miss you.

maybe it's too much to even ask.

2010-05-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.03pm

Mood: curious

I know this is gonna be to myself and you will never ever know.

but there are many things in my head, in my heart.

which i think you should know.

there are many times i get mistaken by people and i wish i knew the way to explain myself.

it's not easy, and sometimes, people just choose not to trust you.

thus, the silence and walking away.

and i know it well that it would not be different for you, especially in this case.

i'm not expecting forgiveness and all.

i have to admit that i do have a part to play and i'm to blame.

how am i gonna clear my name when all the fingers are pointed at me?

and when all the things are made to be against me?

all i ask is, be fair and look at both sides.

there's more hidden insights, please look into it.

came back from school not long ago.

missing every single bit of having you in my life.

every littlest things remind me of you in all ways.

feeling tired and my head starts to spin whenever the clock hits 11pm.

it's horrible. my life and schedule is seriously strenuous.

i'm dying. having some many programs coming up.

wish you were still around. miss you.

good night danielle.

tomorrow will be a better day. you'll need to set a good example to the new staff tomorrow.

2010-05-02T00:30:00.002+08:00

Spinning: Broken - Lifehouse

Time: 12.30am

Mood: sleepy

been busy with work and meetings back in office.

haven't had the energy and time to blog.

feels like i'm gonna die anytime soon. been 3 weeks since i last had any decent proper rest.

GOD. save me.

life's back on track.

getting really used to being alone and am loving it every moment.

totally.

good night!

2010-04-28T23:11:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11:11pm

Mood: pissed

i'm fucking upset.

i can't leave my current job due to that fucking 3 months contract i signed.

i'm posted to work at jurong point for god knows till when.

KNNBCCB.

fuck i tell you. FUCK.

2010-04-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Beautiful - Lifehouse

Time: 11.50pm

Mood: upset

Still adapting to work. Too much new things to learn.

Have to do event this coming week.

my only off day, friday is gonna get burnt by going back for meeting.

great, just great. after 2 weeks of hectic schedule, i can't get the rest i deserve. damn it.

with school adding on to my burden.

i don't quite miss anymore.

but someone, certain places / certain people triggers some memories and feelings towards you, us, everything.

tired of explaining. sick of being accountable.

having being misunderstood is nothing biggie anyway.

2010-04-27T00:56:00.001+08:00

Spinning: What ya want from me - Adam Lambert

Time: 12.57am

Mood: joyful

sparing some time to blog since i'm available and doing mask now.

today is a great day.

thought it was gonna be dreadful and scary, but nope.

it was extremely fruitful. =) i did a great job.

and regards to some ongoing issues in life.

all i could say is, i have no comments. i rather shut myself up and no say anything.

silence is golden. really.

if you people think i can't be trusted, i'm not worthy of anything from you.

i can't help it. there is only so much i can do.

it's not that i cannot be bothered. just that you have already chosen to distrust me.

whatever i say would deem as excuses and lies in you people's eyes isn't it?

those you who think you can trust are usually those who can't be trusted.

of course i would secretly wish i was the one being believed and listened to.

too bad. just my luck i guess.

turning in. head's spinning.

nights people!

2010-04-26T09:07:00.000+08:00

Spinning: In My Head - Jason Derulo

Time: 8.57am

Mood: sleepy

schedule has been extremely tight for me since last week,

with all the trainings and work/event going on right after.

i'll be soon dying from all the packed timings.

i won't be having any proper and official break till friday.

been sleeping around 11 every night, amazingly.

Event was dead fun and enjoyable with the girls.

Being model was definitely something new and of course tiring as well.

Party with K was crazy. Managed to catch some old friends there.

Was totally wrecked, can't remember the details.

and most importantly K is still as hot as ever!!

think we have a chance of getting back together. =D

X has been on my nerves lately, again.

apparently, he whines about feeling used.

can't be bothered, he shall judge for himself.

my past tells it all? i don't know.

going back to bed. freaking tired.

and school's reopening in 2 days time!

2010-04-24T22:52:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 10.53pm

Mood: excited!

GOING CLUB WITH K. =D

been 2 years, he is still dead charming.

update tomorrow!

2010-04-23T23:22:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.21pm

Mood: worn out

freaking freaking shagged out man.

quite fun, made new friends. =D

great learning experiences.

turning in NOW.

write the details tomorrow!

2010-04-22T23:34:00.004+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.34pm

Mood: sleepy

i realized i'm having too many redundant worries and insecurities.

actually, they matter no more.

need to let rid of them, it's extremely unhealthy.

meeting my event partner for breakfast and do to our make up together!

hope the 3 day event is gonna be smooth sailing and fun. =)

good night people!

2010-04-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 9.28pm
Mood: pleased

work's okay today.
could consider it as a great success without any basic training from company.
plus the fact that i'm all alone although i'm under observation period now.

=)

tomorrow's gonna be the event.
will endure through for the sake of the good money.

i'm feeling a lot better today. somehow, i'm coming terms to those issues now.

2010-04-22T08:07:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 8.07am

Mood: fresh

i kept dreaming of someone lately, i know deep inside i'm missing really badly.

but i have also learnt that there are things where you can't accept, means you can't.

no matter how you force it to happen, it's not just not gonna you.

i'm trying very hard to fight that giving up feeling.

2010-04-21T21:01:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Never gonna be alone - Nickleback

Time: 8.43pm

Mood: a little depress

it's gonna be a relatively long update.

i have a couple of things to get off my chest.

so bear with me. (i don't know if anyone is still reading this, but anyway, i will continue writing regardless whether there are audiences or not)

i'm current struggling with life now. i came to realize i've been very reliant on some people. i won't particularly say who. i'm feeling very handicapped, like i can get nothing done, nothing is going right. it boils down to the littlest things in life. i don't know where this is going, but i'm breaking into pieces. i was crying when i spoke to mummy just now. i guessed i can only take this as part of those growing pains, i have to go through and get through them.

i'm very unhappy with how things are going in my life right now. extremely. i'm lost, i don't know what to do. i don't know if my baby steps are gonna take me somewhere and to where. work is extremely taxing, i don't know if i can handle this new competitive environment. i know i'm gonna learn and be exposed to many new things. but i don't know if i have the capacity for that. i feel like giving up on my degree. my heart is not at it anymore. i'm no longer proud of what i've earned myself all these years, those recognitions, respect i've gotten through my pains and effort. it seems i've accomplished NOTHING at all.

i don't know. i'm mentally and emotionally drained. i can't handle emotional issues together with the amount of stress i'm facing at work.

but i'll be hanging on tightly, doing and giving my best at all times. i will not look back.

2010-04-21T18:12:00.003+08:00

Spinning: without you - hinder

Time: 6.12pm

Mood: exhausted

came back from training and lunch with desmond.

it's gonna be a busy busy week ahead till school starts next month.

i guess working it's good, gonna take my mind off those troubles.

2010-04-21T09:02:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 9.02am

Mood: chill

i hope training's gonna be for awhile.

so i can meet jasmine for meal and head home to prepare for work tomorrow.

=) gonna see mr hot for the last time. hahaha.

2010-04-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.14pm

Mood: tired

happened to chance upon shawn's family portrait.

missing his mum, i don't know why.

but undeniable, that picture looks really good.

i've never once felt shawn was good looking.

but this time round, i'm looking at him differently.

he is quite desirably quite good looking...

i know i shouldn't be, but i just miss him.

perhaps this is the way how my life gets going.

shawn, when will you ever understand that i'm true to you.

truer than anyone in this world can ever be to you.

2010-04-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 10.40pm

Mood: worn out

had an extremely long day at training.

omg. dead tired.

everything is good, except that i need a little time to adapt to the new environment.

am glad. =)

going back to office for training again.

gonna knock out soon.

good night! =D

2010-04-20T08:05:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 8.05am

Mood: relaxed

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday.

Without you, I’m seeing myself so differently.

I didn’t wanna believe it then, but it all worked out in the end.

When I watched you walk away, well I never thought I'd say I’m fine without you.

off for training!

2010-04-19T22:23:00.000+08:00

Spinning: never let you go - Justin Bieber

Time: 10.05pm

Mood: peaceful

sometimes i wonder if god sent X to give me some comfort in times like this.

it seems he will always make that effort to be there for me no matter what.

no matter how nasty my temper gets, how rude i'm towards him.

i know i can run to him in times of trouble. he will never slam that door in my face just like shawn and him did to me.

i'm grateful for his existence sometimes.

it feels good to be given in, to be at the receiving end sometimes.

especially after giving too much, hoping and pray for the impossible.

i hope i will get to get well in time.

gotta be a busy life ahead.

all the way Danielle.

this company has the prospect you have been searching for.

they are thinking highly of you, fought for you, giving you the opportunity.

they managed to revive your long lost passion.

so cast your heartbrokenness, your disheartened feelings aside and fight for your future.

you have 1 year more to complete your degree.

you have another 1.5 years more obtain your cosmetics science qualifications.

you have 3 years to drive your dream car.

you have 4 years to get your dream house.

you have a few years more to go out there and socialize and have all the fun in the world. do something you have always wanted to do. go traveling alone, do lots of photo taking, express your inner thoughts through them and share them with the world.

and by then you shall meet a perfect guy whom you can call of your own. he shall love children like you do, be a homebody like you are, gonna take your parents like his own. you shall settle down with him, build your own family with him. be committed, loving and faithful wife to him, a responsible and caring mother to your children, a filial daughter to your parents and his parents, a highly motivated talent to your company. grow old hands in hands with him, take him in your arms, for the good and the worse, never to abandon him.

this is how you're gonna spend the rest of your life. simple, peaceful and filled with lots of love and happiness.

=) jia you Danielle!

from the lyrics - " it's just like an angel came by and took me to heaven "

2010-04-19T19:33:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 7.33pm

Mood: sleepy

Found this in some random stranger's facebook page.

very honest, sincere and holds great messages in it. something for us to ponder over!

My name is Tuan. I'm extremely nice, kind, friendly,honest, and out going. I'm an animal lover, and i love hanging out with my friends. Now that i'm 28 years old, i have become more of a home body and i want someone who is a home body like myself. I'm just a down to Earth Asian dork. I love romantic comedy movies and i often cry to most of them. :). I'm looking to date and hopefully find a boyfriend who i can settle down with and have a relationship with.. Just to be honest, i'm what you called an Asian twink. I'm also a bit on the pretty boy side. I hope this doesn't scare any of you guys. Lol. I think that pictures are very deceiving, so i rather meet someone in person and see if there is chemistry. Please do not message me if you are not interested in getting to know me as a person. I'm here to meet new and nice people who i can be friends with and hopefully find someone special who i can connect with physically and mentally. Oh yeah, i usually don't like pretty boys like myself. I usually like the dorks, nerds, and geeks. I like guys who are honest, sincere, and upfront. I base my connection with someone on a personality/internal level as to his physical appearance. Like they say, "Looks will fade away, but what is on the inside will never fade away, and what internal bond the two of you have will keep your love for one another keep going strong".I know that i'm not perfect. I know that i have many flaws.
I know that i'm not rich.The only thing that i can offer someone is my heart. :) Love is a gamble and if u don't take a gamble in finding love, than you'll never find love. Love is about taking risks, and if you don't take a risk in love than you'll never know what love is.I'm not perfect and i don't expect the guy that i'm with to be perfect either. If you want to know more about me, please ask away.Your flaws is what make u perfect and is what make u human. I'm really nice, so don't be scare to sent me a message. :)
I love this quote, "Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

2010-04-19T19:14:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 7.14pm

Mood: restless

saw this somewhere on the internet.

meaningful, i like.

a message from someone to someone.

well, well, well...

i love you with all my heart and soul. We were together as one!.. I seen you laugh, i saw you grow, i saw you cry, and i was with you every step of the way. I love your smell, i love your smile. I still dream you were with me. Now that we are apart, I am not longer the same person i once was. There will never be the same me ever again! I miss you....!!!

2010-04-19T19:05:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 6.59 pm

Mood: damn sick

i'm hitting the sack after i'm done with this.

Mr hot sent me the details for tomorrow and wednesday's training.

damn sick. gotta travel to another office for training.

and heading back to main office on wed.

gotta pay up my school fees after training.

then rush down to orchard for last minute briefing then dinner with unimates.

might be working, helping jas on thursday and having event from friday to sunday.

=D and will be officially starting work on monday, the 26th.

heard from jas that i'm posted to the main outlet.

hmmm, scary...

it's no surprise that i'm falling sick with all the rushing and tight schedules.

anyway, school's starting on the 3rd may! GOD. my life is getting damn happening.

2010-04-19T14:52:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 2.52pm

Mood: shock

just called mr Hot up for the email.

his greetings sounded very fierce and monotoned. got freaked out by that and turned soft.

but he changed 360 degree after knowing it's me on the line. he sounded too chirpy and friendly for me to believe.

scary. so guys have mood swings too.

crazy.

2010-04-19T13:04:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 1.04pm

Mood: restless

still sick. getting worse.

dying soon. crap.

wanna stop missing anyone.

2010-04-18T21:47:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 9.47pm

Mood: sleepy

i think the effect of the medications are kicking in.

turning in now.

good night world.

please be kind to me tomorrow on.

i just wanna be happy, that's all i ask for.

2010-04-18T20:36:00.002+08:00

Spinning: I never told you - Colbie Cailiat

TIme: 8.30pm

Mood: lethargic

i'm not heartbroken. i'm just sick and tired of being taken advantage of.

i'm angry with them, angry with myself.

i'm disgusted with myself for being so soft hearted all the time.

who says no one gets away unpunished from their evil deeds?

mummy says i'm gonna grow out of this phase really soon. and i certainly hope so.

maybe one day, i will learn to become someone bad.

my life is damn dramatic and ironic.

the guy who treats me well is attached.

the one i've been unable to let go is abusing my trust and love.

the guy who loves me most is almost my most hated enemy.

i won't backtrack, since you decided not to.

i'll just keep going, until i get somewhere.

don't know why, why i'm feeling very strongly and determine to settle down.

but i'm gonna wait. wait for the right time, not jumping into anything without any considerations.

2010-04-18T16:57:00.004+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 4.58pm

Mood: heartbroken

just saw shawn's facebook news feed on my wall.

he's in a relationship with this girl. a thai girl.

fuck. i feel really used.

i'm not gonna allow myself to cry for him.

like i said perviously, it was the last, means last.

bye fucker. you can jolly well make use of your new gf!

ps: every fucking single time. you have to ask money from me. and when i refuse, you get into a relationship with another girl. you made it happened twice. so what you fucking trying to prove me. i shall see how far you can go with your life. i'm washing my hands off you. you, zixian and your group of friends can go fuck yourself. i'm not that dumb to get the money for you to gamble them away. if you wanna act like some rich kid, go ahead. it reflects how much substances you have inside as a person.

2010-04-18T16:55:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 4.51pm

Mood: fucking angry

just woke up from resting. those medications are making me drowsy.

fucking angry with X and ben.

i don't know what the fuck ben is doing. just because i cannot be reached through my phone he has to fucking post me a rude message on my facebook wall. ccb. i retorted and am not gonna fucking return of his calls or text. he can go fuck himself.

X sent me fucking bo liao stuffs. one dimwit. why can't he just leave me alone just like yesterday. can he just go clean up himself and fuck off. he turns me off totally.

john is making me block and delete him in msn seriously. i can't imagine him as a teacher. he needs more moral education back in school. so that is what NIE has taught him all these while?

then i guess i qualify to be a better teacher then.

i'm super sick and these people has to piss me off for no reason.

it's not like i did something and ask for it.

knn.

2010-04-18T09:26:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 9.27am

Mood: dopey

still can't accept the fact that mr hot goes clubbing.

bloody hell.

so no longer looking forward to seeing him in the office.

2010-04-17T23:50:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.50pm

Mood: sleepy and down

Mr Hot is at club.

FUCKKKK.

conclusion, not my type.

i hate guys who clubs. NO, correction. the word should be DETEST.

bad bad flu.

brain is dead.

good night.

2010-04-17T22:39:00.000+08:00

Spinning: The way i love you - Ashanti

Time: 10.30pm

Mood: moody

got nothing to do on a saturday night.

yet to totally recover from yesterday flu and sore throat has to set in to upset my health.

been sleeping my day away.

Sebas jio go east coast. fucking lazy.

shawn is out, wonder where and with whom.

peaceful day. extremely.

feels weird without having HR's calls and stuffs.

not having to run a couple of errands in a day.

without X to disturb me.

feel uneasy about the peace i'm having today.

read the book X bought me, played DS, surf webbie, talk cock.

i'm tired again.

gotta go eat some ben and jerry's before sleeping!

i still miss him and him.

2010-04-17T20:54:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 8.54pm

Mood: gloomy

i miss him and him.

2010-04-17T17:29:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 5.23pm

Mood: weary

it seems that it's not only girls who get desperate as they aged.

it's seriously irritating, why can't people just embrace singleton?!

must they really get into a relationship to feel complete?

i'm perfectly fine now and i think it feels good to be me and being single!

go get a new hobby or set yourself some realistic targets to achieve.

at least you have something new to look forward to in life.

john is asking me out and stuffs. bloody hell.

you love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.

get the drift? you're just defeating the real purpose of having a relationship by doing the otherwise.

teacher some more, god. where have the moral and ethics gone to.

shawn is at home all day long.

hmmm, must be too poor to go out.

getting use to the distance. good or bad?

2010-04-17T11:02:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.02am

Mood: annoyed

X is pissing the hell out of me.

just screamed at him.

what the fuck. why can't he just do something about his intellectual level seriously.

i doubt i can't much out of a dumbfuck can i?

_l_

2010-04-16T22:32:00.004+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 10.25pm

Mood: puzzled

i think i'm not quite bothered about romance now.

you're back in Singapore.

we are not talking. i don't know why, what's wrong.

what the...

i couldn't be bothered to reply shawn on his loan.

he knows it better than i do.

shame on me for trusting him so many times. i promise this will be the last.

kevin pissed me off greatly. he can't get off my back.

fucked up, totally.

i don't know why everyone has to go flirting with each other lately. and it has to be within the circle of friends somemore. haven't they people heard of not pooing at where they eat? bloody shit. at least i stick to this policy closely. i admit i use to do flirt and all, but i'm really sick of such things now.

surprisingly.

just fucked X. i think i will arrow X before i blow up at kevin.

his level of stupidity is amazingly high. i'm flabbergasted, seriously.

he never says, speaks, or does the right thing at any time. not considering doing things at the right time.

rejected him, he can tell me don't worry, i'm not very into you actually.

then how come the stuffs you're doing is so into me?

i have to bloody reject him every fucking single day. why can't he just get it into his brain.

childish, LOW IQ and EQ. one dumbfuck.

god/cupid, will you both just stop sending me all the mr wrongs!!

too much to take already.

next week is gonna be extremely busy.

training back at academy then post exam activities with unimates.

event training.

3 days event over the weekend.

as of what i'm aware. god.

i'll be interacting a lot with mr hot.

HAHAHHHAHA.

done with mask.

sleeping time!

2010-04-16T19:45:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Eenie Meenie - Justin Bieber

Time: 7.40pm

Mood: elated!

went for interview at 1130am today. it went pretty well, it seemed that i'm getting more comfortable with meeting new people.

as usual, gotta meet up with hottie before the actual interview. he seems a little busy today. pacing up and down in the office. perhaps there's a few interview going on that's why. i don't know if its me or what, he seems softer, nicer and friendlier towards me. that's what i observed from the way he talks to the rest.

he's really a kind. he asked if i'm prepared, did my "homework" as i was told. he seems observant, he even asked why i look so fierce today. i wasn't fierce, just that i was down with flu, feeling very sick and giddy.

then headed to another office to sign a short term contact with them for the event ambassador thingy. damn good lah the pay.

he called at 4 plus when i was asleep to inform me that i'm hired! and that the marketing managers likes me a lot. he keeps tell me he receives good reviews about me. he was really sweet when he realized i sound very blur and sleepy and offered to call me back and email me instead. but we chatted a little while about the details and i requested him to send me the email to the other account. because i can't access gmail through iphone. god knows why. i hope he's not gonna mistaken because i didn't felt the need to let him know why. anyway. he asked why my email is so unique, how i came out with it and he was laughing all the way. he casually mentioned that thank god i wasn't drinking tiger beer. HAHHA, what the hell he. ass. oh and by the way, he was in the pantry when he when i was having my interview. hmmm, it's kinda strange. i really wonder if he walked in because he had to, or he just wanna pop by.

anyway, i'll be seeing him the whole of next week. gotta go back for training.

2010-04-15T21:32:00.002+08:00

Spinning: New Divide - Linkin Park

Time: 9.32pm

Mood: pleased

mr hottie around 6 plus called and inform me that he has managed to fought me an interview with them. hahha, i'm so touched to learn that he's at work till so late to help me out. =) he was being naggy and he asked me to dress up tomorrow. and he said i looked good today!

*blushes*

i've waited for your reply and it seems that you have no intention on getting back to me. fine, never mind. i really give up. no point pinning hopes on things like that. just 4 days and i'm gone like the wind? fuck shit to you again?! likewise, for shawn, i fucking give up on people we don't appreciate me loving and spending time missing them.

I GIVE UP.

FUCKED UP.

2010-04-15T17:36:00.005+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 5.37pm

Mood: over the moon!

the guy called and inform me some good news! YEAH.

and we chatted for quite awhile on the phone.

i don't know if it's me who is misreading this or it's really him trying to talk to me more.

anyway going back to office next week. freaking excited!

2010-04-15T17:36:00.004+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 5.37pm

Mood: over the moon!

the guy called and inform me some good news! YEAH.

and we chatted for quite awhile on the phone.

i don't know if it's me who is misreading this or it's really him trying to talk to me more.

anyway going back to office next week. freaking excited!

2010-04-15T17:36:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 5.37pm

Mood: over the moon!

the guy called and inform me some good news! YEAH.

and we chatted for quite awhile on the phone.

i don't know if it's me who is misreading this or it's really him trying to talk to me more.

anyway going back to office next week. freaking excited!

2010-04-15T16:17:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 4.10pm

Mood: cheerful

PASSION REVISITED!

Went to this company for interview. not bad not bad. it seems that i attracted a lot of attention, for many good reasons.

apparently, the HR personnels are thinking highly of me. they are doing their best to get me into this something. This guy keeps praising me for my profile and he thinks that i'm gonna be a talent to their company. i hope this is true and it's gonna bring me up to their management in time to come when i graduate from my degree. i think i see myself somewhere now. Even the lady is helping me. OMG. finally, after all the shits i've gone through. i see a glimpse of light shinning through those overcast sky.

Half way through the interview, there was this lady, rather old, looking like some big shot in the company. she took noticed of me when she walked out. but when she came back, she walked to me and the guy. She asked the guy a little about me, but hearing that i'm looking at a part time position, she was a little disappointed and walked off. hmmm, i don't quite know what that means but well, i'm taking it as something positive!

anyway, that guy is hot. seriously. he has the charisma. really. dead lots of it. i always like confident guy who has this very subtle sense of humour. anyway, he seems to be a little shy when he talks to me. i'm not being thick skinned here but i took noticed of it when he his eyes somehow shifted a little once in a while. i don't quite see that when he spoke to the interviewees.

ya, anyway. hoping to see him soon! HOT. i'll be back for another round of interview anyway. HAHAH. hot hot hot. MY TYPE. does he wants to date me! i'm super available you know.

2010-04-15T08:11:00.000+08:00

Spinning: T-shirt - Shontell

Time: 8.02am

Mood: exhausted

i can't really sleep last night, i don't know why. it could be due to the coffee i had with jasmine in the evening. or it could simply be that i'm too nervous for my interview today. this is one of my shortcoming, going nervous over little stuffs.

had a great evening with jasmine, shopping with her is dead crazy. she's a nice soul, am glad we are gonna be colleagues really soon again. sometimes, people like her in my life just makes me love being an earthling more! =D

he asked for a 300 bucks loan. i felt used, i don't know why. just feel strongly about it. it seems that asking me out on monday was with an ulterior motive. i know if i were to ask you for opinion, you're definitely gonna be giving me a straight and firm no. i texted you last night, receive no reply. i don't know if you did it on purpose or you're having no reception there or something.

oh well. it's thursday already. i don't know what to say. but things seems normal without you. but yet, it feels very incomplete too.

gotta go prepare. interview at 1030. i'll be back to blog. in case you get to read it there. =)

2010-04-14T10:44:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 10.44am

Mood: pissed

i don't understand why people just have to take advantage of me.

is making you care for me so difficult?

i text you and you didn't reply. i don't know if you did it on deliberate or you have no reception there.

and i was secretly praying that you texted me when you bored the plane not because of what i wrote on my blog. i sincerely wish it was from your own initiative.

never mind.

i'll never give a damn to anyone anymore.

you, shawn or whoever. never anymore.

2010-04-13T22:31:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 10.31pm
Mood: pissed

can't believe you took me for granted.
AGAIN.

for fuck sake, danielle. wake up.

2010-04-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 10.31pm
Mood: pissed

can't believe you took me for granted.
AGAIN.

for fuck sake, danielle. wake up.

2010-04-13T17:07:00.004+08:00

Spinning: i wanna be with you - Mandy Moore

Time: 4.17pm

Mood: disappointed

i'm still waiting. waiting for the impossible to happen. it's crap, it's making me feel extremely lousy. it's getting a little too painful and i can't think anymore.

meeting you yesterday night was a mistake. it triggers all those memories i've buried inside my heart. i sealed off and never had intended of racking them up.

we all have scars. it gets more as you aged, it's inevitable. they are hidden because of their ugliness and of the past we do not wanna be reminded. so why am i exposing them now?

i really miss those days. everything still feels the same. cause he still remembers every single details of us, just like i'm still holding on to it tightly.

That seat still belongs to me, still fitting me perfectly.

i love rubbing and poking that protruding fat stomach of his.

i love clinging on to his arms when he drives, it pulls me closer to him.

i also love looking at him, when he drives, when he do his work and stuffs. it just makes me feel complete. i know there isn't anything more i could ask for in life for he is mine to keep.

i love spraying my shu uemura facial mist on him when he drives, he would be enjoying it.

i love hugging him, that gives me a very strong sense of securities.

i know i can always run to him in times of troubles or fears, he will definitely be there for me to run to and hide behind him and protect me

i love wearing his tee at home, love his smell lingering on my skin and going to bed hugging him. i love his clothes, they are too huge for me and they make me feel he's with me.

love it when he acts like a baby, whine and complain to me all day long. i can keep my mouth really tight and just listen to what he has to tell me. miss him calling my counter to tell me how he almost got into accidents and stuffs.

he's a such gluttony. i can go groceries shopping up to house and having him finishing all the chocolates and ice cream up when i went bathing. we will always go to the different drive through to get his fast food. he can't get enough of them.

i miss his shyness. i love it when he blushes and his heart races. he will never dare to look at me straight in the eyes. it's really adorable for someone as foul tempered as him to be acting this way.

i love his confidence. when he's speaking to his boss or client over the phone. that's the most attractive part about him. his confidence comes from driving too. he is a great driver. he has never lose a bet with his friends. he always brings me for racing, it's fun and he never once failed to impress me.

he's one of the most meticulous guy i've ever known. he will always bring his jacket along whenever we go for movie. he will always pay attention to minute details. making sure i'm well taken care of. i miss the time when he piggybacked me back to the carpark because i was too tired to walk after the movie. he will always do things to please me. i know there was once i said i wanna take his brother's type r. he actually went through the trouble to exchange car with his brother.

i miss him lying on my lap because that's the best time i can give him all my comfort and assurance. just like yesterday. perhaps, he knows whenever he runs into trouble, he can always turn to me. for i will never abandon him, give up on him, never stop believing in him. he knows, a word from him, i'm ready to turn my back against the world for him, be there for him. i wanna be there for him at all times. not only for the good ones but the bad ones as well. i want him to know i'm someone whom he can depend on at all times.

i miss him saying "come, sayang". just like when i knocked my head yesterday. he would open up his arm and embrace me. his hands are huge and it feels really comfortable when rubs my bump.

it don't really matter if he only comes to me when he's down or even think of me only when he needs me. it doesn't matter if he's taking me for a ride. i just wanna be there for him.

it's enough when he said he has been turning to me whenever he's down. there were many occasions where i needed him and he pushed me far aside. it's alright, i've forgiven him way back. i don't mind him lying to me, somewhat it shows that he still cares about my feelings. i screwed that opportunity 2 months back. i hope it will come knocking soon. i promise, i do whatever it takes to make this happen, i'll do everything to keep him with him, to make him feel loved and secured every second of his life. i will make him feel he's the most fortunate guy on earth. i will do a better birthday celebration for him this year. i will bring him to the zoo this year. i will make time to make up for the genting trip we missed last year.

it seems that you still remember everything about us. then may i ask, do you remember how it feel when we were in love? can you bring it back and let us continue from where we stopped at? would that be too much to ask for?

I wanna be with you - Mandy Moore

I try
But I can't seem to get myself to think of anything but you
Your breath on my face
Your warm gentle kiss I taste
That's true
I taste the truth
U know what I came here for
So I wont ask for more

I wanna be with you
If only for one night....to be the one who's in your arms who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with U

So I'll hope for tonite like I would if you were mine, to hold, forever more
And I'll savor his touch that I wanted so much
To be here before, to feel before
how beautiful it is just to be like this

Oh, baby , I cant fight this feeling anymore
Drives me crazy when I try to
So come my way, take my hand,
Can U make my wish, baby you are in command

2010-04-13T15:43:00.001+08:00

Spinning: 3.43pm

Time: 3.44pm

Mood: so-so

just rejected X.

i know it's gone. he hasn't contact me at all.

2010-04-13T14:47:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 2.47pm

Mood: upset

getting very uncomfortable with the fact that you're not around and uncontactable.

or may be you have already long chose not to contact me.

2010-04-13T12:40:00.000+08:00

Spinning: i like it rough - lady gaga

Time: 12.40pm

Mood: bored

i miss him and him.

2010-04-13T10:35:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Two is better than one - Boys like Girls

Time: 10.13am

Mood: still a little baffled

Still recovering from the shock that i met shawn last night. i seriously do not need anymore drama in my life. i'm had enough to handle already. honestly, i'm worried about shawn. i don't wanna doubt if he's a good person to start with. he didn't try to be funny last night and did not take advantage of me. as far as i'm concern, he's facing a lot of problem, including his family's matters. just wanna make sure he get through this giant. if he's gonna sell his car, i hope he will be able to adapt quickly. i don't wanna see him struggle, he has been leading a relatively sheltered life since young. i wanted to tell him so badly last night that should he and his family go broke, i will definitely stay with him through the thick and thin, unconditionally and for as long as he wants to. but i withdrew last minute and decided to keep it to myself.

it doesn't matter if he's gonna be back at my side. even if it is gonna take me a year to see him once, i'm fine, i promise i will be very contended. i doubt we will be able to work out this time round. it's not the right time too, with the amount of stuffs he's going through. There was hope 2 months ago, and now another 2 months we are hanging here, in the middle of nowhere. and in 2 months time we hitting the 1 year mark. excuse me, may i ask how many more 1 year can we spare?

i was thinking of him when i was at changi beach with shawn. was looking at the planes which flew by and was doing of him. wondering if he's already at his destination, what was doing etc.

i miss him. it's really sad to not see him before he leaves.

i've decided to be firm with X. i know as of now he is a very nice guy. sometimes, when you are just not interested in someone, every effort they put in are deem redundant, as though they are trying to hard. i don't wanna be mean to him, so i will just insist he go.

mummy was asking me for my ideal guy last night. i just answer him. he has everything i want except for his history. mummy just nodded her head upon hearing me. i don't know if that's to acknowledge my answer or what. i don't know, i don't wanna go on. i need a break. i don't wanna think.

and yesterday night ethan, my secondary school senior is asking me for out. god. now another ass on my list. one fine day i will settle them off. i will turn nasty!

ps: i sent my resume over and they are responded saying their are looking for full time instructor instead. WTF. then why post part time position~! FUCKED UP.

ccb lor. make me pin hope for nothing.

2010-04-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 11.56pm

Mood: dreadful

just got home from collecting stuffs from X.

he bought me hell load of medicine and books for me to read.

i've already recovered -.-"

what's making this whole situation dreadful is the amount of effort he put in.

sigh. i'm in a dilemma.

2010-04-12T22:37:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Do You Remember - Jason Derulo

Time: 10.29pm

Mood: confused

just reached home from meeting shawn. i'm really very confused right now. i felt i left X and him down because i know it myself that shawn will come before anyone in my life.

it felt strange at the beginning because he waited for me at the same spot in the carpark. like we are still lovers just yesterday. everything appears to vivid to me.

we kept talking our past and all. suddenly, i just could sense my desire for him. it was overwhelming, like he used to be mine and me still wanting him to be mine.

we played and hugged a little. and out of nowhere, he asked me why i was so good to him in the past. his voice deepens and his face became serious. i don't know why and he didn't dare to allow the conversation to go on.

i didn't wanna go home, i want him to be around. around me and never leave me again. he stayed a little longer and offered to send me up. we were both very awkward in the lift. i have no idea why. he hasn't been able to look me in the eye for awhile. he is still that shy little boy i know. nothing has changed.

he walked me up and i just threw myself at him uncontrollably and gave him a hug. he returned it and i planted a kiss on his cheek. it's really silly and i asked if i'm gonna see him again. this is stupid. but i really miss him till today.

i sacrificed my time with X for shawn. i know i broke his heart when he specially went down to town to buy something and wanting to surprise me. i'm sorry. this incident made me learnt who i've been yearning all these while.

ps: if you think you've let me down at these while, then make sure you make it happen this time round. do it right while i'm still around for you to turn the situation around.

2010-04-12T12:13:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 12.13pm

Mood: unwell

oh my god. my diarrhea is back.

i'm fucking sick, no appetite, can't eat at all plus the severe headache is killing me.

i'm a goner.

2010-04-12T10:16:00.001+08:00

Spining: -

Time: 10.16 am

Mood: groggy

just woke up, still having sharp headaches.

so what the fuck.

need to start sending resumes.

2010-04-12T06:45:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Lips of Angel - Hinder

Time: 6.31am

Mood: Relieved

just woke up not longer ago. feeling so much better, slept at 8 last night due to the horrible fever.

kevin ong was looking for me last night. he is one fucking ass. the whole bunch of us are aware of his dirty deeds and yet he still wants to fool around with us. X offered to help me out. i may need his help if the situation is not getting better. actually i don't think kevin bothers too, he was aware i was attached when he first go to know me. i hope he fucking learns soon. and this applies to kelvin seah. i really have to do something about them both. i'm going crazy.

X is feeling very guilty. he thinks he caused me to fall ill. he's thinking that the japanese food, ice cream and the fucked up mixers made me this way. silly boy. would you be rather love or be loved?

i thought you're gonna send me a text telling me you're leaving. i'm disappointed and lost. i have no details. i know i can always take the initiative to do so, but i'm no longer sure if it's gonna be appropriate. i know you no longer feel for me anymore. so i don't think i should be doing that and i can't be expecting anything anymore. moreover, i think you were upset me getting drunk.

i'm going back to rest. otherwise X is gonna nag at me.

2010-04-11T20:41:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 8.41pm

Mood: dead

i just realized that all the symptoms of hangovers and nausea-ness are not from the partying last night.

my whole body is developing aches and i'm feeling feverish.

god.

what have i done!

2010-04-11T20:04:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson

Time: 8.03 pm

Mood: tired

he asked if he would stand a chance.

i avoided his question. i don't know what to tell him.

cause i know, i'm still missing you, thinking of you.

2010-04-11T17:49:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 5.49pm

Mood: drained

bloody Kelvin Seah and Kevin Ong need to bugger off.

nb!

2010-04-11T17:42:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 5.42pm

Mood: sick

went toilet for the 11th time today.

am going nuts and dehydrated soon.

can the medicine just work!

2010-04-11T17:12:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Queen of hearts - Jason Derulo

Time: 4.34pm

Mood: contented

X brought me to the doctor and he bought me food. he spent sometime with me at home before going off for his family function. he wanted to buy me the whole series of adrian mole's story to cheer me up. of course, i declined his kind offer. but these intentions and actions did touched me deeply, somehow.

i may deem a little gullible and silly here. it may sound like nothing to some, or even some may just claimed that he's doing it because he is after me and it's honeymoon period now. but whatever it is, all i could sense was his sincerity. it has been awhile since i felt so loved by someone who could make you feel that you're his world. he has been giving quite a bit even thought he knows i'm not quite interested in anything yet. i could feel that it was something really genuine, right bottom of my heart.

it suddenly occur to me that, those priority that was given to me was really indeed a privilege. because i was the 3rd party and that was a bonus to me. it may be something true as well, i'm not trying to doubt it. and i'm glad i was given and that i appreciate totally. but i just felt that love, relationship should not involve privilege this word. cause giving is a essential component of a relationship. you give because you love, truly used your heart to love. i receive it because you think i deserve and worthy of it all. not trying so hard to split yourself or your time and labelled it is a privilege and when at the end of the day, when privilege gone, the relationship is no longer build on something. and this is what happens at the end of the day, nothing left, nothing at all. perhaps i'm being too judgmental on a triangle relationship which cannot be compared this way.

i'm feeling so much better. at least i know if i were to decide to commit to X. this relationship is just gonna be between us two. at least i know i can entrust myself to this person, with no doubts and struggles about him as a person, his past and all. i can trust this person fully with no hold backs in giving him my all. at the very least, the normal or rather right way of meeting each other would be something proper, giving me more reason to start a relationship with this person. if at the end of the relationship, we can't work things out, i would just take it as a pity that he's not my mr right. cause i know, i've given my shot and there won't be any regrets.

if it is gonna be like before, meeting the person at the wrong time in all the wrong conditions, and i would have too many reservations and drawbacks to think about. and for one thing i really know, i won't be doing things for my own benefits and at my own defenses. i wont be afraid to love and get hurt. maybe, taking a leap of faith and loving someone would not involved so much agony. i wanna love someone using all my heart. not sharing any bits with other guys.

kai sing and her husband are experiencing a seriously rough patch in their soon 2 years marriage. it's kinda scary because things are falling apart and the real innocent party is their baby girl. i'm feeling and seeing too much negative stuffs on relationship issues and it's getting into me.

why must things be so tough on us?

2010-04-11T13:29:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 1.28pm

Mood: sick

i've went to the toilet for 5 consecutive times and puked twice.

i think it's food poisoning.

seeing doctor later.

2010-04-11T11:34:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Wo Ai Ta - Ding Dang

Time: 11.25am

Mood: grouchy

just woke up not long ago. currently feeling extremely nausea and a little of hangover. can't really remember what time i reached home this morning. i only know X sent me home yesterday and i fell asleep in his car for hours before i go back home to rest. he has been very considerate and gentlemen yesterday. the girls are thinking highly of him. hmmm.... he reminded me of shawn, as in the way he takes care of me. i don't know.

party was a blast last night. the 12 bunch of us gotta ourselves VIP room. we gamed, threw things, danced and went crazy. wanted to move over to st james around 1. but we decided not to and so stayed and partied like mad. we were the first to leave, leaving the drunkard girls to be taken care by the guy. i'm going crazy at the rate they drink, if they can't hold their liquor, they seriously need to practice some self discipline. i can't afford to help them out all the time and i won't be doing so anymore.

i'm really thankful for X for being so sweet and friendly last night. meeting him for lunch, gotta go prepare.

i won't be partying anymore till june. i'm getting sick of drinking and late nights. i need to be more down to earth.

i want and need to be a little more settled down.

update: FUCK, sebas and gf think X is my bf. WIN liao! =.="

2010-04-10T16:27:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Feel It - Dj Tiesto and Three 6 mafia

Time: 4.24pm

Mood: Excited!

PARTY TONIGHT!

bad times are long gone! it's time to let my hair down and enjoy myself to the max!!!!

off to dress up and do my hair!

GOOD DAY PEOPLE!

PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR! =D

2010-04-10T14:08:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 2.01pm

Mood: pissed

see, i'm fucking right, i just can't get along with xing rong. i was right about leaving him. I THANK GOD THAT I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE WAY BACK THEN. from today on, he will never be my friend anymore.

stop being a fucking loser just because you know we won't be able to make it work anymore. stop pulling innocent parties in and i decide who wanna date. even if i wanna marry an old man, it's none of your business. so stay out of my life. stop proving us that you're a loser when we already know that fact too well.

it's break up because it's broken.

GET THIS FUCKING FACT INTO YOUR PEA BRAIN.

smarten up dude.

i shouldn't have forgiven you when you ask your bloody friends to take my pictures at work.

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

ps: you may accuse me and stuffs. but you know that you're just sore about me not loving you as much as him or in fact other guys. i don't give a fuck, block, delete my msn and facebook. what else are you capable of doing. i always despise man like you. when you think you can be at my level, then you talk to me. AND DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE DONE WITH ME ON THE DAY WE BROKE UP because you know you have been asking me out, waiting for me and wanting to fetch me and all. SO NOW YOU KNOW WHO IS DONE WITH WHO.

you should know i'm never a pushover unless i allow a guy to step all over me. and do you seriously think you have this privilege? you wanna try me, now you got it. you know say you know me well enough right? now i'm telling you. now you've hit my limit for you, that's it. this damage is gonna be FOR LIFE. so don't fucking regret. i can forgive unconditionally and give a person umpteen chances because i choose to. but once i decided to withdraw from all, start preparing for the worse. mark my words, mr choo.

2010-04-10T12:17:00.002+08:00

Spinning: With You - Sum 41

Time: 12.08pm

Mood: worried

i went to shawn facebook today. it seems that his heart is failing him again. i'm really worried about his condition. i hope he's not gonna get himself hospitalized again. he seriously needs to stop smoking, when he will ever stop? i wanna send my regards to him, but i don't know how it is possible when we aren't talking anymore. i know he is still angry with me. maybe things will have its way after some time.

i saw this job posting online. suddenly taken interests as a playgroup teacher. i think i should try the part time position. i'm very sure i'm gonna have a good time with the kiddos! =D

4 more modules and i'm gonna be done with my degree. i'm planning to go overseas to stay for a year. trying to figure out something, not really sure what to do yet.

gotta go help do some house chores.

feeling freaking awesome today, slept at 10 last night, and woke up really late today!

exam is a brain killer! goodness.

the next one

2010-04-09T16:30:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Never gonna be alone - Nickleback

Time: 4.42pm

Mood: relax, pleased.

Just reached home, from school and lunch at clementi. Deliberately wasted sometime by taking a long distance bus home. Been at least 3 months since i last did that and really enjoyed my own accompany. =)

Exam was alright today. chapters that i studied were tested, paper was alright. not that tough if you study hard enough. Didn't do a good job for the last question, cause i couldn't do up a good explanation for each factor. but i guess the main meaning are still there. well, i've really tried my best. i'll leave the rest up to god's hand. no regrets. =) hopefully i would get least get a credit for this module.

turned down kelvin seah's meeting up last minute. i know i'm not ready and i don't want him to waste his time. he is not my cup of tea, everything of his is just not my kind. i'm just not into him. he asked me to join him for a short getaway trip and i think it's really absurd of him to ask me. first, i'm nobody significant in his life. second, we are FRIENDS. i don't go holiday with a guy friend ALONE. if it's big groups of both genders, i could give it some consideration. it's crap. i'm staying away from him. he has been freaking me out too many times from buying me gifts and asking me if he would be the one for me. if you know it yourself, please don't ask the obvious. i'm not interested in hurting anyone. my tolerance level for him is running low.

the bus ride reminded me of places that i used go with shawn. it just somehow that they reminded me shawn. it has been at least 2 months since i last spoke to him and he hasn't been on my mind since we decided stop befriending each other. honestly, if it wasn't for today, i might just forgotten about his existence. and i never expected that a perfect couple like us would turn into enemies. i guess he hasn't forgiven me all these while.

i has been more than half a year since we went our own way. i missed those peaceful and simple days when there isn't drama and all. Cause all we do all day long is to each other accompany. Going all the way up to find him pick him up from work, he coming all the way down just to see me. Having dinner with his family, watch telly, go groceries shopping together, go yishun dam every night after dinner, taking our own sweet time to stroll around, doing mask in east coast park and going round to freak people out. that was one of those happiest moment in my life.

i was his everything and he was mine too. i felt i find my best friend and lover. someone who could be as crazy as me, someone who will be there for me whenever i cry or feel discourage. he may be a MCP, male chauvinist pig and i have no issue with that. for him, i'm willing to give my temper up, my pride away, just to be submissive and selfless. i've been wanting to settle down with him, and made me more determined when he left work half way just to buy me flowers. it really felt special, he really made my day. it wasn't my first time receiving flowers, but it was different, so much that i could just smile to myself. i couldn't care about anything, i just wanted to give him my heart, my unconditional love and entrust myself to this guy. i ignored his past and just wanna be there with him. i waited for one year, went a big round to be with him. that's all i ask for.

my heart still aches a little when the thought of us breaking us was due to a major misunderstanding. there is just a little imperfection because of the regret i'm still carrying until now. it's not about having feelings, it just that on my side, i have yet to get a proper closure.

he never liked it when i gets a lot of attention from all directions, be it good or bad. but it has always been this way. he knows it's not my fault and but he just can't take it that things are just this way. he hated the fact that there are too many surrounding me. he is always insecure and he never let me know. he never told me, that he needs more love and to receive more from me. gradually, things got worse with all the misunderstandings that i was flirting and cheating behind his back. he was someone whom i gave my all, never scolded him once. never retorted him when he tells me off. never made a single noise when he screamed at me. it can be tiring sometimes, but i didn't mind giving back then.

i don't know if i'll be able to do this for a man again. so i promise myself, never to take my next man for granted. i swear i will give my everything and everything best to him. i'll make sure he's always happy every single day. make him feel secure, loved and assured in every way.

i'm falling in love with a song cause it's so, so meaningful. it makes me wanna fall in love again, just like how i did when i met shawn. shawn is long over and he no longer someone special anymore. but still i wanna wish him all the best.

i hope everyone out there would be able to love a person like how the guy in the lyrics did.

If Tomorrow Never Comes - Ronan Keating

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

Good day people!

2010-04-09T06:56:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 6.50am

Mood: calm

i don't know there was a sense of overwhelming heartache when i'm regaining my consciousness from sleep. it was what i exactly felt when things ended between shawn and i. in fact, the pain was more intense this time round. i guess it does shows how much this relationship was to me. definitely not nothing to start with.

i don't know but figured out that all these while you might have been waiting for me to give you more. just wanna let you know, it's really difficult on my side because of the given of our each other history, the way we started off, what awkward position i was in and stuffs. i'm sure you understand what i'm trying to say. it's not an excuse of not giving my best all these while, but i know i'm could give you so much more.

need to wash up and prepare to head school for exam.

all the best to me.

2010-04-08T19:04:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 7.04pm

Mood: happy

i guess i won't be blogging for awhile. there isn't a need because i found the deliverance.

i don't know after i felt a lot better after talking to your gf just.

and i'm intended to keep this lifted up spirit of mine going.

just wanna thank you sincerely, really truly for your genuine care and love you have given me all these while. and i wanna let you know that it is the same for me for these 3 months. thank you for stepping into my life. knowing the truth is enough for me and this would really last me a lifetime. thank you for giving in and all.

i know i'm really ready to go this time round.

don't know if you're gonna read this but, ya. take care of yourself there.

see you.

2010-04-08T09:42:00.003+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 9.42am

Mood: pissed

am getting very irritated with kevin. every single thing i post in facebook he has to like it. even simple senseless stuffs.

why haven't he get it that he has been on my ass for 2 weeks already. why must he cheat when he has a girlfriend. WHY!

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LEARN?!

getting use

2010-04-08T08:24:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Wo Ai Ta - Ding Dang

Time: 8.21am

Mood: peaceful

I think i'm adapting to this new lifestyle, think getting use to it a little now.

hope this transitional period would end very soon.

first step, will no longer wait for morning messages. this glimpse of hope i bear shall die off.

that first day

2010-04-07T18:51:00.003+08:00

Spinning: Wo Ai Ta - Ding Dang

Time: 6.42pm

Mood: peaceful

i suddenly recalled how we met on the first day.

you fetched me from school, i was wearing that black dress you said was too skimpy with my denim jacket. we first went to paris ris park and we got caught in the rain. we were forced to seek shelter in the one of the stop over. i remembered we were standing there, watching the rain to stop. you were a little quiet, you seemed very shy to me, i don't know why. and i kept telling you that you look harmless and innocent and no matter what you tell me, i will trust you totally.

do you remember?

i don't know why they come flashing back out of a sudden. perhaps these 3 months we were too occupied with quarrels, getting angry with each other, trying to get into to each other ass that we actually neglected such important details that lead us here and made us.

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏都不肯醒来
我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心深深伤过却不会忘
我和他不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂最终的荒唐

如果还有遗憾是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪都停不下来
若那一刻重来我不哭
让他知道我可以很好

逃不开爱越深越互相伤害
越深的依赖越多的空白
该怎么去爱

goodbye

2010-04-07T12:51:00.004+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 12.51pm

Mood:

i've decided to stop blogging. that would stop all means of communication.

goodbye and take care.

Read the lyrics. They are something that reflects my thoughts.

Happy - Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

Broken Hearted Girl - Beyonce

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could have been
But still, you live inside of me, so tell me how is that?
You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
'Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face
And even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you, babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl

There's something that I feel I need to say
But up til' now I've always been afraid that you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out

You say you've got the most respect for me
But, sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me
And still, you're in my heart
But you're the only one
And yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain
'Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away
Oh, but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you, babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooh
I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free to spread my wings and fly away, away with you....

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath without my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don't wanna love you in no kind of way, no no
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

Sick Cycle Carousel - Lifehouse

If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how long I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick sycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah

2010-04-07T08:56:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -

Time: 8.52am

Mood: relax

As usual, standing by my window, listening to music, doing people watch and stuffs, i came to realized it has been donkey years since i last wake up so early.

the sun's brightness and warmth gave me some comfort, giving me some sort of assurance.

i've always never look forward to sunset. in fact, i hate it. because i know whenever the night starts to fall, i will really scared and insecure. it makes me feel really lonely and sad and i don't wanna be alone.

Not adapting

2010-04-07T08:35:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Better In Time - Leona Lewis

Time: 8.28 am

Mood: calm

still not accepting and adapting to the fact that you're no longer drop me morning messages, telling me you're either pooing away or updating me about certain things.

it's heartbreaking to see that there were no responses given for the last 3 texts. but i guess it's better this way, it's gonna be easier.

felt like i'm going through what i went through half a year ago. this is a vicious cycle.

It will all get better in time.

Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak, just that you're strong enough to let go.

On and On

2010-04-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

Spinning: On and On - Nick Lachey

Time: 10.37pm

Mood: melancholy

On and On - Nick Lachey

When the darkness finds the night
My heart still beat for you
In your eyes I see the lie
What can I do, I'll try my best to walk away
So I don't have to feel the pain
It goes on and on, on and on

And this emptiness I feel goes on and on
On and on
As I cry myself to sleep I just can't go on
On and on
When this love I feel for you is so strong
On and on, on and on

Why can't I feel your heartbeat next to mine
The way it used to be
I love that purpose that is so right
I need you to see I try my best to walk away
But I just can't ignore the pain
It goes on and on, on and on

And this emptiness I feel goes on and on, on and on
As I cry myself to sleep I just can't go on
On and on
When this love I feel for you is so strong
On and on, on and on

Can I find a way to let you know
Could I ever make you see
Baby you took my soul and took my heart
But the pain you left all for me
It goes on and on
On and on

And this emptiness I feel, it goes on and on, on and on
As I cry myself to sleep I just can't go on
On and on

When this love I feel for you is so strong
On and on, on and on
You've got someone else to share your nights
I guess it's meant to be
In your eyes I see the lie
But the light's not from me
I turn around and walk away
But I'll never escape the pain

It goes on and on, on and on
It goes on and on

back, again!

2010-04-06T17:12:00.006+08:00

Spinning: Far Away - Nickleback

Time: 4.26pm

Mood: Broken

Hi, i know it's been far too long and i'm back. i've just read my archives and realized this blog is getting a little dusty. it definitely needs some cleaning up and since i'm having a little time now, i'm might as well write a little to ease my emotions.

anyway, my last post was on the month of October, and it's April now. it was 2009, and it's 2010 now, having half a year gone in 2 months time. i find it frightening that time is traveling too fast, it seems like it was just yesterday and i haven't got anything significant accomplished. unless you find that getting Uni and being a certified makeup artist is something biggie, then perhaps i'm not that loserish after all! hahahha.

2009 was a rather smooth sailing year as compared to this year. it's basically work for the whole year round till i started my make up artistry course in july and Uni in september. of course i went through a couple of major events, mischances. but looking back now, i'm feeling quite relieved, perhaps i know i have been growing and learning through the years. hopefully, 2010 is gonna be simple and kind to me, although quite a bit already happened within these 4 months. oh well, i'm just stay hopeful about things. i'm keeping my heart open.

within these 6 months, there were a few MASSIVE changes in my life.

not in chronicle order.

1. i left Estee Lauder. like finally, i could just fuck it and go. i have to admit that i really do love what i was doing except for serving customers. i miss it greatly but i know there are more worthy stuffs out there for me to explore and for me to go learn. i can't be a counter girl for life. but a part of me wishes that i'm still around because the fucking 50% is simple too attractive to be resisted. i'm a fucking sinner, a lot of girls must have thought that i was nuts.

2. My trusty lappy died of me in february, which was a little shocking for me. it was a sudden death so i don't think i was overreacting. anyway, i got MacBook due to influence. it's good and it's serving me extremely well. in fact it's doing a better job than my HP. haha, i screwed PC from then on and been telling everyone that Mac is the best thing on earth. it's no surprise that they are one of the most respected companies around. on a lighter note, i think Apple should award me with some most loyal customer award. which bloody ass would do word-of-mouth for apple almost every single day. well, now you know i'm that ass. -.-"

3. Have been reading a lot. got hooked up on Adrain Mole. it's addictive. that damn character has a whole range of books on him. finished 2 volumes. gotta go back for more. going to kino after exam. simple love him.

4. Fell in love, and out of love x 3. 2 wasn't exactly true. stfu, period.

5. Degree is still crappy, doubt that it is gonna get any better. i'm studying because i'm studying. whatever. got 2 distinctions and 1 credit so far. and i'm hoping peter bayliss is gonna get raped by faggots in Australia for not helping me out. i'm just fucking 2 marks away from distinction! why can't he just be a little more benevolent. fuck, i need to understand that not everyone has a heart of gold. i'm expecting myself to be cussing this till i graduate. Am taking this 4th paper this coming friday. and i'm still here blogging. -_-" fuck, i'll just mug double hard later on. aiming for high distinction this time round.

6. i'm out of job, and i'm looking for one now. intending to start life afresh. which is good. =) rather please with myself. but i'm procrastinating. and i shouldn't be pleased.

7. am determined to learn swimming, hoping to overcome my hydro phobia. it can be done. but still, my stand still remains. i'm not gonna go under the sun. i have no intention of looking like an apple. which some people have been claiming so. people just have issues with the way i look which puzzles me till today.

8. trying to cook. trying really hard. hmmm, talk about it when i get there.

9. chance upon Darren's facebook. damn, he's still so hot. goodness.

9. i'm sleeping now. i need to nap a little.

i think i wrote a too much for a little. will update on thursday night before i rest for my exam? i don't know. shall see.

good day to myself. :)

ps: from today on, this will be our form of communication. hope it would ease the pain by doing it slowly. thank you.

i'm back

2009-10-16T15:23:00.000+08:00

Spinning: All the right moves - One republic
Time: 3.05pm
Mood: drained

i'm back, after a week.
done with major event, and it feels over the moon on the last day.
stayed back a little while with Alyssa and Joy that day. Sharing a ice cream cheesecake as a little reward for ourselves. and it's really heart warming to get a nice bunch of colleagues like them.

was posted to MCS for 2 days to relieve. it was quite alright.
nothing much except that there was this stalker. goodness.

now comes the deadline for team project.
damn bloody stressed up.
sometimes i really wonder if i'm cut out to be a degree student.
i'm not that academically inclined after all.

just a mini update as i take a short break.
went drinking with leona yesterday after lecture. it's quite a pity that jiesi and mk couldn't make it.
went timbre for the first time and they serve really good mocktails and pizzas!
everyone should go there for really relaxing, chilling time.
had a shots and one mixer. failed to get the kick, felt that it wasn't enough at all.
i'm not looking forward to get drunk.
i just want to sleep better that's all. been experiencing difficult sleeping lately.
not exactly lately. it has been almost 2 months i think.

and there were this 2 random guys last night who pissed us off.
okay, correction. pissed leona off.
i'll spare you the details but remember girls.
never meet a guy in club or pub. don't think there are nowhere near decent.
and yes to guys, being too full of yourself is a minus point. bear it in mind.

anyway had quality fun with the guys.
loving that classic look they gave when they were being busted.
HAHAHHA.
so much for " i think you're cute". it's totally being abused to the max.

ps: don't be too certain that a girl will you her number. it's just downright embrassing when she rejects you. HAHHA.

"why not you him your number if she gives me hers"
" since when did i said i'm gonna give you my number"
- classic GOT-SLAP-IN-THE-FACE expression -

HAHHAHAHA. FUCK.
this is harliarious.

i'm going back to my project.
till then!

revelation

2009-10-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Ai Tai Tong
Time: 9.13pm
Mood: calmed

i read john's revelation on facebook yesterday.
i think i know how it feels to be him.
cause we are very alike in some ways.

i always thought that silence is golden and have always chose to left many things unsaid. and i've always felt that it doesn't matter what people what to say, cause they never mean a thing to me for they are just some insignificant people in life.

i may be a chatterbox in many occasions. sprouting nonsenses, always wearing a smile wherever i go. but no matter how hard i try to hide, it's always at the back of my mind. no matter how hard i try to let it go, it's always there, at the back of my mind.

i believe everyone has its very own defense mechanism and it's how they get their days through. how many of us here dare to say that they are not wearing a mask in their daily lives? no, not me, i dare not say that. because i know i do. not that kind of hypocrite kind of mask, but mask that hide my deepest emotions.

but being silent doesn't mean you can abuse it. if you think you're right, come up and tell me. confront me. correct me. make it known. don't bitch behind my back. i hate it when people gets sneaky with me. i know many girls in my company has been bitching about me. saying that i'm always surrounded by different guys and i change them every now and then. it never really bothers me because they are just being too judgmental. thinking that they know it all. they can phrase it like a joke, but do you know that certain jokes you crack cuts people on the inside? do they know that certain senseless question they post are so heart piercing that makes you wanna cry?

and i have to admit that some my guy friends whom i'm in good terms with are making similar statements like them. i don't know what i've done to earn myself such a title. but i guess it's still quite alright afterall. i sort of know perceptions people are conceiving from me. in short, i'm just a player to them. i've heard the meanest thing ever, i've heard the worst curse people have cursed me with. it's okay, it's still fine.

it's bearable, still. sometimes it's not. i don't care about the assumptions they make. but i cannot take it when the ones i truly love don't give me the trust that i need from them. it pains me. not because the awful stuffs people said. it hurts because no matter how hard i try, i'm always being misunderstood for something which i'm not. because everytime i try to make something right, you people have to make it wrong for me.

i know someone who's exactly like me. we do the things we do. we even went through it together.
many a time, what you see may not necessarily mean it's the truth. you say we're players, we are a flirt. we are sluts, we are whores. whatever. but have you all people think that it's fair to label us without having to know us a little deeper? everyone has different sides, so do we, so do i.
do you all seriously think that it's fair to judge us like that?

were you all there when we cried? when we hugged each other in pub and cried? we drown ourselves with alcohols hoping that it could give us some comfort? were you people there to see us when we puking and wailing at the same time. you were not there. and yet you said that we're heartless. we play people out. if we were the one doing that, we won't be in pubs, making ourselves look like some fools.

if i'm a player, i won't be holding on until now. clinging on to the glimpse of hope that i thought was there. i won't be here, waiting for something happen. i won't be the last to know the truth either. i won't even be trying so hard to make him come back. i'm not trying to prove you people anything. nor am i trying to make you feel differently about me. i just want you to know that it's not fair, it really is.

this someone

2009-10-09T01:55:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Cry - Rihanna
Time: 1.35am
Mood: puzzled

today was another crappy day.
i'll skip the details but i'm making new plans.
should things work well, i'll be leaving lauder by the end of month or next month, hopefully.

i was late for lecture today, and happened to take the same bus with one my classmate.
he was sort of seated near me.
and i think he knows that we're classmates.
i don't know why, it was fine but, it just feels really awkward.
but somehow i find this familiarity feeling as well.
i don't know how to put it across but it just feels, ya.
he coincidentally seated right in front of me today in lecture hall, and i was looking at his back at the whole time.
goodness.
it's not having feelings for him okay. i fucking swear.

oh well, ya.
i've practically deleted everything that i should.
i made my promise and i shall uphold it.

i called amin and cried my hearts out. i poured every littlest shit to him. be it about school, work, life in general, he's always there to understand. he's the best sister ever, seriously. you can't get sincere gay friends like him.

er, maybe i do. steve lor! steve is really sweet too. :)

anyway i spoke to leona as well. i told her everything that i've hidden inside all these while. it's gonna be fine i promise, give me some time alright.

sick and tired

2009-10-08T07:55:00.002+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 7.55am
Mood: exhausted

woke up at 7.15 to read through my lecture notes.
i'm going crazy at the rates of how things are going.
project is my only concern.
i don't even wanna give much damn to work now.

need to sleep really early after school today.
damn tired.
the tiredness is beyond any word descriptions.

better in time

2009-10-07T23:46:00.001+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 11.11pm
Mood: rotten

i just reached home, after a long long day.
it's so long that it felt like years.
i have never felt so discourage before, or perhaps i ever did, but i can't remember when it was.
it was so strong that i cried for half an hour on my way back home.

today was the first day of MBB.
and everything was so screwed up.
but it made me learned that, my counter girls are the best.
no matter how much unhappiness we may bottom up, i'm glad that when in difficult times those you can count on are always there with you.
and as for the 6 selfish girls, it's okay.
thanks for putting me through such shits today, i finally got to know what's event management and stuffs about.
and to my 3 awesome working partners. THANKS a lot, a lot.

ps:
perhaps you've got someone new now. and i guess it's really over this time.
but still, i hope you know i still miss you.

pps: to MK.
thanks honey. for having such tolerance towards the baby side of me. :)
you're my bestie, for life.

dreadful

2009-10-07T10:06:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Meet me halfway - The Black Eye Peas
Time: 9.57am
Mood: sian

woke up feeling dreadful.
(think i got up at the wrong side of the bed today?)
i don't wanna go work.
i feel this whole event is just so fucked up.
this crap ass company is just getting worst.
the management totally don't know the shit ass job we have been doing in the counters.
what are the last minute stuffs all about?

maybe it's time i arrange an interview with bobbi or MAC.
need a new life, i'm suffocating here.
i don't care if i'm gonna adapt or not.
i can't take it anymore.

i've yet to get my pants for this event.
better get myself prepared.

will blog again after i get home from work.
see you.

i'm sorry

2009-10-07T02:22:00.004+08:00

Spinning: Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Time: 2.03am
Mood: moody

i just got home not long ago.
Gary fetched me from school for supper.
it was fine initially, but turned sour half way.
i know it's hurting him inside. based on those stuffs he said.
i don't know how to put it across but i really want him to know that it's not about that him, and whether it's still about him or not, it's not the issue here.
just that his sorry came a little too late. i don't miss anything about us. and i don't wanna hear anything about us anymore. cause we're not us, we no longer belong to each other.
and regarding to his accusation about me still feeling for that him, i don't think i accountable to anyone about my personal life.

(i know you will be reading this. i'm sorry.)

and i know, mk and leona will definitely be supportive of every decision i make in life. :)

anyway, kelvin koh called me today.
for fuck seriously. and he went round telling people that i'm his lover.
what the fuck. ccb, thank god siti told me.
this bastard just keeps proving me that leopard never changes its spots.
even Alyssa caught him flirting with others girls after his girlfriend left.
now, i think mk and leona are right, you don't deserve anything good in life.
i hope he die of a terrible death, fucker.

i haven't got my individual project started.
i don't know why but i'm feeling really fucking tired.
i hope i'll be able to wake up early to at least get something done.

good night everyone.
yesterday was a crappy day.
i hope today would be a better one, especially on the first day of event. :)

madness

2009-10-06T14:31:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Hotel Room Service - Pitbull
Time: 2.23pm
Mood: in daze

i've just managed to complete my competitor audit.
been struggling like shit, seriously.
it's on my mind, all day long. i even dream of it when i sleep?
it has been days and i'm still stuck at classifying coaches as indirect or direct competitor.
i've having some severe brain damage and i can't think anymore.

i must get my individual project started tonight.
I MUST.
i must at least get the background and situation analysis done.
I MUST.

and can you imagine.
i will be working 5 days in a row starting from tomorrow.
and gotta to OT 2 hours daily. making it a 10 working hours?
EEEW.
how am i gonna do my project!

gotta go prepare for school.
meeting leon at 5pm to go school together.
shall do company studies in the train later.

till then.

busy like a bee

2009-10-05T23:54:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Angels on the moon - Thriving Ivory
Time: 11.30pm
Mood: peaceful

Oct is a crazy month.
there are a thousand things happening this month.
and it's like i'm already half dead. goodness.

From work, school to friend gatherings and all.

Work
- Atrium Event on the 7th to 11st Oct
- training on the 21st, 7pm to 9pm
- posted out to other outlets for almost half a month

School
- Team Project due on 20th Oct
- Individual Project due on the 22nd Oct
- Team project presentation on 29th Oct

Gatherings
- Gary's birthday (which is tomorrow, duh -_- )
- Colleague's night out on 12th Oct
- Girl's night out on 15th Oct
- Fabian's party on the 24th Oct

what the fuck, i don't know why i'm so busy.

and i've yet to collect my IMC notes from Alex. think i better meet him soon.
i can't help but to feel really nervous cause it has been 4 years since i last saw him.
thought of paying his mum a visit as well, but i think i better not. don't wanna cause unnecessary misunderstandings between he and his current girlfriend.

and and, should i go to Fabian's party? i know desmond is gonna be there but what happens if i get to see chris and yy there. i seriously don't wanna be reminded of the dispute between them over us. but fabian ask me to give him face. aiya. and i don't wanna see yy drunk like some fucktard again. i don't need another st james incident to replay.

wah lao. why do i always get such shitty things in life?

i'm still thinking

2009-10-05T02:35:00.000+08:00

Spinning: Heartless - Kris Allen
Time: 2.16am
Mood: deep in thoughts

i've yet to complete my competitor audit.
am left with the price comparison table to be done.
i'm so stressed up, i can't sleep. i don't know why.
i haven't even got my individual project started.

i feel i'm losing grip. and i'm feeling really insecure and scared now.
i feel like crying, i know i'm on the verge of breaking down.
i don't know why i feel like a baby now.
i wanna have someone to lean on, to hold on at this very moment.
perhaps i know i'm not gonna be able to juggle work and school anymore.
and for some reason my health is deteriorating. it keeps failing me.
i've been sick for a week plus and it's not improving.

and on top of all the stress that are piling up on me.
my mind is running wild, thinking too much.
why can't i let it go, it has been months.

i wanna hold on. but it's beyond my control now.
never was my calling and never will be.

HELLO WORLD!

2009-10-04T00:46:00.001+08:00

Spinning: Doesn't mean a thing - Alicia Keys
Time: 12.14am
Mood: peaceful

okay, i've got only 5 to 10 minutes to spare.
gotta go back to project once i'm done drinking my soup.
and yes, that's my pathetic dinner i'm having for today.
partly because i don't think i have the time to spare for a proper dinner.

i can't quite describe how i'm feeling right now.
it's so much of a mixed feeling.
but i'm really glad about certain things and i find it a absolutely need to share them here. =) maybe whine a little too.

1. i'm FINALLY done with my make up diploma. and i've achieved a fairly good result. 97% for theory and 78% for practical. but the worse part to it is that you have to score at least 85% for both segment to get a distinction. so what the fuck right? and i'm just 7% away. so near yet so far right?

2. i FINALLY (again) got into the big U. honestly if you were to ask me, how does it feels like to be a uni student. i would tell you that it sucks big big time. i guess it's the projects and the rate my lecturer is going in class making the whole thing about school like shit. and the notes he gave are not helping at all. which defeats the whole purpose of having notes? i don't know. please don't make any attempt to question me. cause school is a killer. so i reckon it sort of sums up the whole idea about uni life?
(hopefully it's a adapting period thing)

3. i earned myself a 1.8k+ pay last month. i've never earned so much before, i swear. and it feels so fucking fulfilling. cause it's through my own effort and pain though i was feeling really drained off and fell ill in the end. but still, it definitely feels good to learn that your hard work pays off (better than you think sometimes).

4. AND i'm totally upset because...

christopher went drinking without me last night. and only got to know it when he was talking to me over in the msn in a very tispy state. adding on to the fact that i totally abstained myself unknowingly from alcohol for a month plus. not that i did that for a purpose.

but anyway.

leon asked for movie tonight and i have to suck thumb and stay home to mug. it has been two months since i last watched movie. believe it or not. i have been this fucking busy. i feel so disgusted myself. feels really sua gu when leon was talking about whatever movie he wanted to catch. (god, what on earth is happening to me!!)

and

okay, now, mr babyface is playing mindgames with me and he's on my ass. seriously. you know what, thanks for trying so hard. i think it's only fair to remind you that you're overdoing it and you're really a turn off. i just don't get it. why do people play mind games? for fun? whatever the reason. i just don't fancy this kind of stuffs. you're just doing it because you wanna show the other party that you got the upper hand and you're more superior than the? okay. if that makes you happy. okay, fine. dumbass.

okay, fuck.

leon is saying that i'm so poor thing over the msn at this very moment. goodness. just because i'm not having proper dinner. so makes me wanna self pity. fuck. this is crap.

alright, till then guys.

karma?

2009-07-24T00:43:00.000+08:00

Spinning: -
Time: 12.23am
Mood: heartbroken

i wonder why things have to be this way when i love someone wholeheartedly.
i sat down and question myself.
why am in love with this man? why?
what exactly in him did i see in him and made me so attracted to him?
which made me decided to take a leap of faith, to take things to higher level.

perhaps it was too weak to start with that things have to end up this way.
things has to changed, i changed, he changed. it's just different.
it's really sad to see us this way and i really know the situation is really bleak right now.
there isn't much to say, when all the damages have been done.
it's all said and done, what's left?

i wrote him a letter. a letter which has my most inner heart felts in it.
i don't have the guts to it to him and i doubt he will get to receive it in this entire life.
i miss the times where things were really perfect.
where ugliness have not stepped into the picture yet.
where don't even know what was anger about.
where the world belonged to us.
i miss every single thing.
they are all etched to my heart.

the time where we first hugged, we first kiss, we do crazy things, i teased him, i made him confessed, the first movie we watched, the first time we held hands, the first time we frenched and every first time we created.

i love it best when he hugged me to sleep.
i love it best when he will stretch his hands out to reach for mine.
i love it best when he calls me up and complaint about stuffs.
i love it best when he stands up and make the shots.
i love it best when he loves his family.
i love it best when he plays my iphone/ds/laptop/ his laptop and ignores me totally.
i love it best when he calls me baby or dear.
i love it best when i hear his cheeky voice.
i love it best when we stood at changi beach and he held me from behind. cause love couldn't be anymore perfect than that.
i love it best when he took half day off from work, just to get flowers for me. seeing him coming towards me with something behind me just makes me wanna melt.

it's always him that made me wanna stay here.
but has he forgotten all the good times we had and allow the bad ones consumed us?
i did and i regretted. cause i wasted so much time on swallowing myself than creating newer sweeter memories for each other.

perhaps it's me and my naive thinking that things would last like that.
why don't you show me a sign?

unwind

2009-07-23T01:18:00.003+08:00

Spinning: New Divide - Linkin Park
Time: 12.59am
Mood: deep in thoughts

hello, my inner world.
it has been more than half a year since i last stayed in touched with myself and i seriously think it's time i meet myself again.
it's time i stop running and start working on myself again.

i deleted every archives saved in this blog account.
reason being i should really be moving on. after all, there isn't anything worthy of my time and energy looking back.
i will let bygones be bygones, never gonna allow past to haunt and consume me again.

gone for more than half a year, i'm back stronger.
i have went through tons of ups and down from all aspects of life.
family, relationships, career, studies, friendships and every littlest things.
gone through thousands of repetitive emotions.

life is nevertheless taxing but it has indeed shown me the greatness it could bring.
i sincerely thanked those who have stayed through and for those who had to stop and leave, i thank you too for leaving a mark in my life and may you be blessed with lots of joy and happiness in your life.

they say, people will not change. but never put them into test for the environment or circumstance will change them.
i have to agree with this cause all the happenings did changed me drastically.
now, it's no longer about romance and staying in love. it's about being myself and searching for my calling. living life to the fullest and being true to myself and all.

perhaps this is what maturity is about.
disregarding the consequences, you just wanna give your best and all.
stepping out of your comfort zone to explore and experience for yourself.
being true to oneself and doing all it takes to be yourself. nothing more, nothing less.

guilt ridden

2009-02-05T10:55:00.001+08:00

Spinning: A little too not over you - David Archuleta
Time: 10.48am
Mood: moody

work's getting a little mundane over at vivo. i guess it's the same for every outlet.
i'm posted back to tampines for the march staffing allocation.
i guess i'm gonna propose that i love it here in vivo and would wish to be here for good.

life's getting a little crazy and out of hand recently.
trouble maker trying to sow discord in between due to her jealousy and narrow mindedness.
3rd party intervene, twisting everything all around.
he's making too much sacrifices and it's adding on to my pressure level.

i've done somethings i shouldn't have.
how many wrongs are there to make it right?

sigh.
spare me. please.