Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 10.33pm
Mood: calm

i'm feeling better right now.
i feel i owe you an apology for holding you so tight the recent week when we start going downhill, especially sunday and yesterday.
maybe what i could say is that i'm just too fearful of losing you because i could sense that things were really different.
well, i admit i have a mad to play in causing us to be this way.

anyway, i don't know why i woke up and pack your things the first thing before preparing for work.
i cast them aside, out of my sight. don't wanna be reminded.
and i actually sort of decided that i don't wanna hang on.
and for no apparent reason, i feel a sense of relieve today.
maybe because i won't subconsciously be waiting for your call or text.
you know, waiting for your call or text is not wanting you to report, but just wanna know that i actually went your mind at that moment.

but anyway, i do clearly know that things will definitely remain after a month of cooling down.
so i actually texted my mum at work asking her if she could go down to the temple that we always pray at to seek a divine lot from Guan Yin because i wanna let go, but i don't know if it's gonna be a right choice.
and as expected, extremely true and spot on, it wasn't something good. it mentioned that i lost this needle in the sea. and even if i get the needle back, it would be futile as it would bring pain and trouble. so the interpretation was that i don't deserve what i don't deserve. what i ever heed to listen. i was told to listen well before i act.
so i guess i really did the right thing by deciding. i'm leaving things to take its course.
in fact i don't intend to ask for your answer and neither will i give mine on that day.
cause i really now after one month, still would be the same.
cause through the sms conversed that night, i could tell that you couldn't wait to get me off your back.
you kept saying starting from now. and i know, you are just patronizing me so you won't be bothered by me for this whole month. i just wanna say, you really broke my heart this way.
and in fact, i'm very sure you will realize you're better off without me.
cause you never needed me. you needed was your ex gf.


but really, at that moment, on that day went we bumped into each other day.
i really thought we were fated, really fated.
we were brought together by heaven.
and all these while, i have always thought we were meant to be.
but are we meant to be now? i guess not.
it was a illusion after all.

i feel better now. although i cried a little here and there.
but yesterday was really bad, seriously.

anyway, work is okay. not perfect. but, ya.
i guess it's a learning process. good, i think.
it feels very different to be working in office, really.
now i do understand how you feel.
trying hard to cope well. will need to go in earlier so i can get my work done in time.

i'm very tired already.
i can't imagine you having so many things to do.

please rest early.
night.

loved on 10:45 PM


Spinning: -
Time: 6.58am
Mood: exhuasted.

yesterday was dreadful.
i slept for 3 hours, i tossed and turned, i couldn't sleep.
i was working, feeling drained emotionally and physically. i couldn't focus. it feel terrible, really.
so now, i finally got a taste of medicine.
i couldn't eat, all i did was drank water.
i'm not torturing myself, but i really have no appetite.
really wanna go into hiding. went school, but didn't attend class. neither do i give a damn about the project.

i didn't expect it come, or rather i don't want it to happen at all.
i guess i really did maxed you out, or we maxed each other out.
it was just within a time span of 2 weeks plus, and things would just change with a blink of an eye.
why did you changed after your shanghai trip?
i must admit that it's scary, it too fast, and i can't adapt.
perhaps, it was really accumulative.
we both are tired, what actually happened? reason being? neither of us knew.
it's really sad, when i was packing the things that belonged to us.
it's like walking down the memory lane, and watching things goes up and it crashing down the next moment.

it hurts very badly, to know that you won't be marrying me anymore.
i don't know why. because we can't get along anymore? or is it over your ex gf.
i feel a huge gap in between, and there are many obstacles in between the gaps.
my future looks very empty now.

i'm quite still shocked by the bomb you threw me.
i never knew about your ex gf existence.
you never told me.
your insecurities, dislikes were never made known to me either.
i swear i didn't knew some of them.
but honestly, there are so many things which i seriously feel that you were indeed picking a bone out of an egg.

i truly and sincerely apologize for not giving you space and pushing you.
i really don't wanna let you go, but i know love cannot be ordered.
it was my intention to keep you with me, but not to force you to stay with me.
i know this is more or less a gone case.
cause all these while, you never needed me.
or to put it straightforwardly, what you needed is your ex gf.
i don't know who were you happier with or who is better or what.
but you really have to know it's really very unfair to compare us, based on the basis we have dated each other.
we dated not really long, and you had and have to focus on your career.
we really did not spend time like a normal couple do.
you really have to recognize my effort that i've put in for us.

but whatever is it, i let you go not because i don't love you.
it's just that i know you're stressed out and i don't wanna further pressure you.
i hope you would be happier now.
it doesn't really matter whether you come back or not.
cause i really don't know how to continue this anymore.
like what i have said, it's flawed and i don't wanna be overshadowed by your ex gf.
it's really sad to realized that this is how vulnerable we are.

i'm not expecting you to regret, to come back to me or what.
i've decided that this one month its just a illusion, or rather a form of help to let me let you go easier and faster.
i know it's gone case. and you definitely won't be back.
i know what's going on. i'm not stupid.
i wont even ask you for the answer, cause i more or less know mine already.

i hope you take care of yourself.
especially your health. you have been falling sick too often.
love you for the last time.

loved on 7:18 AM

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 1.15pm
Mood: groggy

I was lying to the bed, pondering over what happened recently.
And it struck me that, I didn't change to be childish, sensitive and "bo liao" like what you accused me of.
Perhaps I did changed to a certain extend, but.
You know what, you were the one who changed.
You changed after you became less committed to me.
When you channel all your focus and energy to your work.
Cause you would react the same way / rather kick a fuss or bring it up in the past like what i did.

Well, if you knew how dramatic your changes are.

loved on 1:18 PM

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Spinning: Xin Bu Liao Qing - Qiao Jing Teng
Time: 9.45pm
Mood: heartbroken

I think the last time i blogged was about Daniel.
I was at the crossroads, i felt very devastated.
I fell into the trap of forbidden love and i got my fingers badly burnt.
I never thought that i would be a third party.
never expect to fall in love with him, and to end myself up into such a major heartbreak.

In the midst of my despair and disappointment after the closure, i met him.
Someone whom i would least expect to date, to accept, to love, to marry.
It all happened.
He made me felt so right. He made me felt so loved. He gave me hope. He gave me bliss. He gave me a future.
I was the princess, he was the prince who took my breathe away.
But now, things are on the rough patch.
I don't know if we could make it through the night.
It's so scary and so beyond my control that i can't be sure things will be alright when i wake up the next day.

I wanna believe we ain't this vulnerable, but the fact that we are is killing me.
What happened to us? What happened to me? What happened to you?
I wanna be understanding but i can't withstand my own pain. The pain of being neglected and unloved.
I want you to dedicate slightly more bit of attention and time to me but you can't. If i demand, i'm unreasonable.
I'm at my wits end already. I swear, i'm so tired and so broken inside.
Trying to hide the pain from everyone, trying to run away every single day.
I'm trying to believe that our love and bond still exist and it's tying us together now.
I pray it will keep us going till things get better.

I'm miserable. In fact, i would consider miserable underrated.
i'm now facing fear, pain and insecurities constantly.
Never felt so distant from him. We are drifting apart.
I'm depressed. I'm not eating enough, not sleeping enough.
Unhealthy inside out.
I'm like walking zombie. Living for the sake for living.
I'm so disgusting with myself for looking sickly, for being unhappy, for being unable to control my emotions.

I'm very lost, I don't know what more can I do to keep us, to salvage whatever that went wrong.
Give me some light, show me the way to his heart, to him and to us.
Cause i'm very sure, he is what I want for life. I wanna build my future home with this man here.

I spent 21 years looking for him, and now i found him. I will never and don't wanna let him go.
I will hang on till the end.
I'm afraid of losing him because I know, such greatness will never ever fall upon on me again.

I promised never to forsake him. I will stay by his side thick and thin to give him the utmost support and love he needs.
I wanna and will honour my words.

If this is what we have to go through to get to our final destination together.
I'm more than willing to bear it all up.
Cause i know, no one deserves the effort and sacrifice more than he does.

I texted you " Missed you :) "
I hope at the end of the day, before you turn in, you would return me those words.
I just need things like this to keep me going.
It will be enough for me to disregard all the negativity away.
Stay with me, fight it out with me, please.

loved on 10:10 PM

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Spinning: Live like we are dying - Kris Allen
Time: 7.40am
Mood: sick

like finally. i've fallen ill.
took half day MC from work and headed home to rest.
met Jac at night, he surprised me totally when he placed that bouquet of flowers on the car seat.
went keppel bay last night to chill. had a really fun and happy time with Jac.
Jac really moved me sometimes.

been meeting Jac for the past few days when B is not around.
B has been rather thoughtful, he would go online to talk to me a little or send me a text since day 1.
he's going to some outskirt in Taiwan to visit those plants today.
think he's gonna fly to shanghai soon and yuppie! soon back in Singapore.

waiting for monday to come. =)

loved on 7:40 AM

Friday, May 14, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 10.41am
Mood: joyful!

baby just called me!
he says he's gonna pick me up after school straight after he's back on the 24th! =D

loved on 10:41 AM


Spinning: -
Time: 10.15am
Mood: moody

he's going taiwan and shanghai for a week or so for his business trip.
can't see him today because of his meeting.
well at least we met up for dinner last night. =)

wonder what's the road ahead of us is like.

still intending to move overseas after graduation.

loved on 10:15 AM

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 9.37pm
Mood: sian 1/2

cancelled.
doing mask and spending time doing my revision and project while waiting for him to be done. =)

loved on 9:36 PM

Monday, May 10, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 11.49pm
Mood: restless

i'm extremely tired today.
i don't know why. i slept 2 rounds today and it's still insufficient.

trying to clear up my workload and my school's revision and project.
they are pilling up and schedule is gonna get even more hectic towards the end of the month.
madness.

i'm quite unwilling to reply to those texts not because i don't wanna to. but rather i just feel that those wounds are better left untouched.
my 21st is coming. i don't quite know how to celebrate it.
and i'm seriously still keen of having you to go on a short vacation with me.
it's wrong and i'm reluctant about it.
i'm torn between rationality and my desires.

why all mankind have to be this contradicting all the whole fucking time?!

clev is such a bitch.

loved on 11:49 PM


Spinning: In my head - Jason Derulo
Time: 8.59am
Mood: still tired

no one can imagine how tired i was lately.
i was doing mask last night straight after my dinner.
laid on the bed because my back was killing me from all the walking from killer heels.
and i felt asleep with my bloody mask on. =.="

been extremely busy with work. handful of workloads for me to clear.
pretty use to it already. ain't that bad actually. still manageable.
but i'll still leave after my contract is up. i'm determine to be a baker!
HAHAHHAHAH.

had ex colleagues lunch gathering on monday.
celebrated JS birthday on friday with the usual big bunch. need to get her birthday present!
Jac was my partner for that night. i have to much to say about this guy. aiya.
chilling session with ben, KW and Clev for sat.
NBC ex colleagues short meet up yesterday.

this week is gonna be peaceful.need to rest as much as i can.
after which i will be burying my head into work and will have too many 21st celebrations to attend. I NEED A PARTNER. -.-' except for those crazy hours in school. i'll stay home to rest as much as possible. it's killing me.

YEAH. the pay for the event is IN!!!!
hahahha. I CAN GO GET MY LOMO CAMERA already. =D

jas and i are gonna sign up for kickboxing and dancing class!
thinking of doing exotic dance. heh heh.

loved on 9:11 AM

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 11.49pm
Mood: sleepy

had class today.
this module is really heavy and taxing.
wished i studied hard way back when i was doing my diploma.

turning in.
good night.

wondering if you still miss me, like how i miss you.
maybe it's too much to even ask.



loved on 11:49 PM

Monday, May 3, 2010

Spinning: -
Time: 11.03pm
Mood: curious

I know this is gonna be to myself and you will never ever know.
but there are many things in my head, in my heart.
which i think you should know.

there are many times i get mistaken by people and i wish i knew the way to explain myself.
it's not easy, and sometimes, people just choose not to trust you.
thus, the silence and walking away.
and i know it well that it would not be different for you, especially in this case.

i'm not expecting forgiveness and all.
i have to admit that i do have a part to play and i'm to blame.
how am i gonna clear my name when all the fingers are pointed at me?
and when all the things are made to be against me?
all i ask is, be fair and look at both sides.
there's more hidden insights, please look into it.

came back from school not long ago.
missing every single bit of having you in my life.
every littlest things remind me of you in all ways.

feeling tired and my head starts to spin whenever the clock hits 11pm.
it's horrible. my life and schedule is seriously strenuous.
i'm dying. having some many programs coming up.

wish you were still around. miss you.

good night danielle.
tomorrow will be a better day. you'll need to set a good example to the new staff tomorrow.










loved on 11:14 PM

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Spinning: Broken - Lifehouse
Time: 12.30am
Mood: sleepy

been busy with work and meetings back in office.
haven't had the energy and time to blog.
feels like i'm gonna die anytime soon. been 3 weeks since i last had any decent proper rest.

GOD. save me.

life's back on track.
getting really used to being alone and am loving it every moment.
totally.

good night!




loved on 12:30 AM